Trusting God in Life and in Death

This post will be long and reminiscent of past loss and trials but I believe necessary to complete an ongoing process of grief, fear and learning to let go.

Here we go...

On February 8th of 2014 I took a home pregnancy test and received my first positive result!!! Ecstatic we told our immediate family within the first 2 days and closest friends within the first week. Everyone was under strict instructions to keep it to themselves as we wanted to wait until after my first doctors appointment to announce our exciting news publicly just in case. I quickly found a midwife I wanted to see back home in Kentucky and scheduled my first appointment for March 12th as we were still in Georgia at the time and were not sure exactly when we were heading back home. That month of waiting was both agonizing and thrilling. Although nervous, I could not wait to have my first check up and see how our little child was doing. My brother took some fun pregnancy announcement pictures at the end of February for us and I loved dreaming and looking through them imagining when we would share our news and what picture we would use!

We finally arrived home in Kentucky on March 7th and the time quickly sped by as we had so much to do! My brother was planning to come live with us and work up here in Kentucky with Mateo and would be arriving the same day of my doctors appointment. So I quickly unpacked and began to prepare for his arrival. 

March 12th finally arrived and we drove to my first appointment which was at 9:30 that morning. Since it was my first we had to be there at least 30 minutes early to take care of all the paperwork. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. All the paperwork was finished, we waited to be called back by the nurse, I had my blood drawn (for the first time), and then we waited to see the midwife. She entered the room, introduced herself, asked how I was feeling and we proceeded with the appointment. We thought I was about 13 weeks along by this time so she tried picking up the heartbeat with the Doppler. After searching for several minutes and not picking anything up she decided I needed to have an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. We went back out into the waiting room as I had to be worked in since I was not scheduled for an ultrasound that day. My mind was racing. "Could there be something wrong? Maybe I am not as far along as I thought I was... Surely everything is okay..."

 Thankfully I was able to be fit in within 30 minutes of waiting. We walked back to the ultrasound room and I hoped onto the chair trying to stay calm. The Lady performing the ultrasound was able to find our sweet blessing and measured him/her at 9 weeks. It was incredible to me that we were able to see him/her and I was immediately overcome with love for this little child growing inside of me. She continued focusing in on different things and did not say much to me. I was so amazed that I did not bother asking what she was doing and if everything was okay. She proceeded to tell us that she was finished and we were to wait in one of the rooms to see the midwife again. Everything was so new to me that I don't remember feeling anything besides nervous excitement.

 The Midwife entered the room shortly and began to explain to me that I was having a miscarriage. The ultrasound could not detect a heartbeat and blood was spotted as my body had begun the miscarriage process. I remember feeling dumbfounded and completely overcome with grief and shock. What was she telling me? How did this happen? Why can't it be fixed? Was it my fault? She proceeded to tell me it was common and completely out of my control but that we needed to decide what we were going to do as I had the choice to have a D&C which we would need to schedule within the week or I could choose to let my body handle the process naturally but would need to come for regular check ups until I passed the baby and then weekly blood draws until my hormone levels balanced. She was very understanding and took as much time as we needed to answer any questions we had. We chose to plan for my body to continue with the process naturally.

 I barely remember leaving the office. By the end of my visit I was numb to everything around me. I knew we needed to tell our family as they were all anxiously waiting for the news on how it went but I could not talk to anyone. All I could do was sit in the car and stare out the window. After a few minutes I decided to text my mom and as I was texting the tears began to flow. We made it home and I cried so hard and so long I thought I would never be able to stop. I was so overcome with grief. "Why did this have to happen?" I wanted to blame God for taking my child away from me. "Why did he/she have to die?" It didn't make sense.

 

Mateo told the rest of the family the news we received and continued to be my support and encourager through such a difficult time. I don't remember much of anything that first week. I know that my brother arrived that evening and the zip-line course opened for the year on the 15th but I have no memory of those moments or days that passed. My first memory is of exactly 1 week later. I had a doctors appointment scheduled for the 19th as they wanted to make sure everything was okay and see how I was doing. That morning before my appointment I passed out. It was one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me. I don't know how long I was out but I remember feeling awful before hand and afterwards. I was home alone and once I came to I called Mateo before I passed out again. He came home from work and I gradually began regaining strength after eating, drinking some water and resting. It was terrifying for both of us and as things were crazy for Mateo at work with the course just being open for the year he called my mom and she left that Saturday to come stay with us until my body passed the baby and I began feeling better.

 I continued to have a few days of extreme weakness and almost passed out a few more times but I began recognizing my symptoms and was able to catch it most of the time. My dear husband also asked a friend to come over and talk with me and encourage me during those dark days and I am forever grateful for her presence and prayers. Having my mom here with us for those many days of waiting, tears, and learning was such a blessing. I will never be able to thank her enough for all she did for us during that time.

 2 weeks came and went and still no sign of the miscarriage. I began feeling restless and anxious about having to wait for the finality of the miscarriage. I started thinking that maybe it was a mistake. Maybe my child is okay.... My dad came up to visit for his birthday at the end of the month and we had a good time hanging out. It was good for me to be occupied and have something besides the current circumstances to think about. He left to go back home to Georgia after a few days but left mom with us for a little longer.

 After 3 weeks of waiting I began questioning my choice in doing the process naturally. It was so agonizing going day after day waiting for the inevitable..... But my mom continued to encourage me that patience and endurance would pay off in the end. Finally after 4 weeks in the early morning of April 12th (exactly 1 month after we learned I was going to miscarry) the process completed itself. I remember feeling both relief and sadness but I am so thankful I had my loving and supportive husband and mother to be there with me through it. God gave me the strength I asked for and the encouragement I needed.

I will never forget the first blessing we lost at such a early stage of life and I thank God for giving him/her to us. We both learned and grew so much through the process and I am even more amazed at the gift and miracle of life! Now that I am nearing the end of my pregnancy with my second blessing I thank God for this gift and I cherish his life every day! There have been days when I wonder if he will be okay but as I learned to trust God to give me strength through the loss of our first child I trust He will give me the strength to trust Him in the life, birth and raising of our son.

This song though simple has continued to encourage and strengthen me through many times of trial and sorrow. I pray as I sing it to my son that he will grow to know the depth of the Father's love in not only the gift of life but more importantly His son's gift through death.

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.

Refrain:
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, “Let them come to Me.”

Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.

Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven’s gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.

Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee.